How to Develop Empathy. The most important connection tools for communication. May 2, 2018

How to Develop Empathy. The most important connection tool for communications. 

Do people shut off or get defensive when you are communicating in a sensitive situation?  Do you struggle finding common ground in conflict? Empathy breaks barriers and takes down defensive walls. Empathy is a key ingredient in finding common ground. 

I watch people struggle with finding common ground and getting others to agree to solutions often.

What’s the road block? Most often its people’s inability to empathize and connect.

When the situation is sensitive do people shut off to you?

When there is conflict to you find yourself arguing and getting nowhere?

If this is a situation you find yourself in, it would be wise to develop your ability to empathize.

How do you do it?

Think of a time when you felt like the other person didn’t understand you and judged you negatively without listening. How did you feel? You likely felt unimportant, negated, or like the other person just doesn’t get it? Maybe you felt like the other person just won’t listen. Am I right?

When you find that the person you are communicating with is shutting down or walking away or arguing with you without listening, they are not feeling understood themselves. The first lesson in communicating in difficult situations is to seek first to understand then to be understood. Find a way to put yourself in their shoes. How do we do that?

Realize you don’t really know what the other person is thinking, feeling and intending. The biggest mistake people make is in thinking they know what the other person is perceiving, thinking, feeling and intending. Often  people think that the other person should be thinking, feeling and intending the same as they do. 

Reality check:  Every person has a unique thought and emotional pattern. As unique as each person’s DNA. If you think you know what another person is thinking, feeling or intending, STOP. It’s not reality. If you think another person 'should be' thinking, feeling and intending in a certain way for a particular situation or circumstance; STOP. It s not reality. 

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." (Stephen Covey) It's really smart to ask the the other person what they are perceiving, thinking, feeling and intending. As we build the habit of asking, how others are feeling and thinking in each situation, (before judging or expecting) healthy communications techniques build into our character and we begin to access our empathy. Follow these 6 steps: 

1. What did you see or hear? We often hear different words or see different things than the other person.
2. After you ask, tune in, snap on. Listen. Keep your body language open. Face the other person.
3. When you saw or heard that what were your thoughts around the situation?
4. Clarify to make sure you get it right. Say something like; 'This is how I understand what you said,… Am I correct?'
5. Once you understand, focus on the feeling they are experiencing. Get clear on what they are feeling and relate to that. You have felt that same feeling at some point, relate to it. Share your experience of feeling the same feeling. This builds on a feeling of connection and is the begging of finding common ground in difficult situations. This is accessing you empathy.
6. Get clear on their underlying intention. Every human interaction process has an intention. Sometimes they have 2. An overlying and an underlying intention. Find out their underlying intention.

Overlying intentions are often triggered from a feeling of anger or frustration. Underlying intentions originate from a feeling of a desire to be accepted, loved or a desire to give love or accept someone. BRING EACH PERSON TO UNDERLYING INTENTIONS. 

Situations may not be the same, but every emotion felt by one person, has been felt by another at some point, likely in a different situation.

Get in touch with the common feeling and underlying intention, and you will find people will relate and open up to you more than if you only relate on a thought level. this is accessing empathy and using it to your advantage.  

Find out what the other person is feeling and relate to the feeling. Find out the other persons underlying intention and you will be able to relate to that as well. In this you begin to find common ground, and a way to a resolution often presents itself in this process alone.