How to Find Common Ground in Difficult Situations and Get the Other Person to Say Yes at Least 3 Times.
How to Find Common Ground in Difficult Situations and Get the Other Person to Say Yes at Least 3 Times.
What would it be like if you knew how to find common ground with difficult people and move the struggle onward?
Do you have people in your life you would like to be able to communicate with at a deeper level?
Or do you have people in your life that you just want to get them to understand you better?
Do you ever feel like you can’t get through to someone?
Would you like more confidence approaching difficult situations?
What would it be like if you could find a way to get to common ground and find compromise with anyone?
What would it be like if you knew exactly how to approach any difficult situation?
What would it be like if you knew exactly how to adjust instantly in difficult conversations?
Would you have less stress? Would you like that?
Communicating: From the Latin word, communis, which literally means “to make common,” communication isn’t about doing something to someone; it’s about finding the common ground. That simple change in perspective can make a huge difference.
How to FIND COMMON GROUND and GET three YES’.
One of Stephen Coveys’ seven habits of success is to create win-win situations or outcomes. That starts with finding common ground. When we get the person we are interacting with in a yes frame of mind, it’s easier to influence the interaction the way we want — win-win. Do it.
It’s actually quite easy to find common ground when we understand how people communicate. When we understand the process every person interacts in.
People communicate in a common process. It’s called the HIP. The Human Interaction Process. We sense something with one of our 5 physical senses. That triggers a thought and a feeling or emotion. From what we saw or heard, and how we think about it, and feel about it, creates an intention in us. Then we choose our action from that intention. To speak words, be silent, reach out, etc. That triggers the same process in the other person. They hear us, which creates a thought and feeling, out of that comes an intention and they choose an action. The process goes back and forth.
Sense, think, feel, intend and act. That’s what we do as we interact with people each day all day. That’s what the other person does too.
Communication breaks down for numerous reasons, but mostly because one of the parties fails to understand, acknowledge and validate the other person in their HIP. In their process.
When we want to find common ground its easiest when we explore the HIP’s in the conversation. Each person’s HIP may be very different even after witnessing or hearing and seeing the same things.
We all have a character that is molded out of where we come, what we’ve experienced, and the values and beliefs that have developed as a result.
Even though our experiences may be different, which makes our HIP’s unique, just like our DNA is unique. That doesn’t mean they are not valid. They are. Each person’s HIP is unique, valid and true for them, whether we like it or not. Whether we agree with it or not.
The first step in finding common ground is to acknowledge that the other person’s reactions and actions are real for them. They are valid. When we validate the other person and their HIP, we take the first step in finding common ground, getting them to say yes and getting them in an affirmative state of being.
There are three places in the HIP process where it’s easiest to find common ground and get the person you are interacting with to give you three yes’.
1. The senses. Acknowledge and express what you saw, heard or witnessed and get agreement. What did the other person see, hear or witness? Find some agreement in what you each sensed. Realize that people hear and see different things even though they hear the same words or see the same situation. Find out what they perceived. What they heard or saw and acknowledge it. “so what you heard was …. Am I right? So what you saw was … am I right? Get a yes. Even if you saw something different or heard something different, acknowledge that what they heard and saw was real and true for them. In this process you begin to get to common ground. You are agreeing and getting a yes. Acknowledge what they saw or heard. Validate their sensing.
2. The second place to find common ground is in the feelings. There are a finite number of emotions in the cosmos. Most of us have experienced the same emotions as others. The circumstance that triggers emotion may be different for individuals but the feeling is common, in that both people have felt the emotion at some point. Find out what the other person is feeling and acknowledge it. You might say, “ So you’re feeling this in this situation. I’m not feeling the same thing here but I have felt that feeling in other situations so I understand what it’s like to feel that. “ You are finding common ground in that you are both acknowledging a particular feeling you have both felt. You both get a yes response in this thought/emotional process and questioning pattern.
Ask what the other person is feeling and listen. Snap on, acknowledge it, relate to it in some way and you have a second yes.
3. The Intentions are the 3rd place to easily find common ground. It’s possible to find common intention because most people have intentions to do well or feel good. Buddha said all people are basically good. Christ promoted the same concept and encouraged us to be nice and treat others as we would want to be treated. Mohammed encouraged the same thing. All of them saw that most humans live with a basic instinct of good intention. I’ve posted a basic human needs and intention list below. Intentions and desires to feel heard, acknowledged, loved, progressive, connected, accepted, honest, peaceful, happy, etc.
When we explore intentions in an interaction, we bring out the good in people and this gives us another means to connect on common ground and move forward. When two people disagree at work on something and they explore intention, most often they will find they both want a positive outcome for themselves and the company. Find out the other person’s intention, acknowledge it and get a third yes.
When we connect with others on an emotional and intentional level, the interaction is typically more sincere and authentic and therefore moves forward with more ease. When we only connect on a thought level, the interaction is often superficial and can be full of misinterpretation. It’s not always easy to get a yes on the thought process. There are billions of thoughts out there in the cosmos that people have. You can’t even get all of them on one computer.
There are a finite number of feelings. We can list the full spectrum of feelings and emotions people experience on a couple pages. It’s easier to find commonality in exploring emotion and feeling first, and relating to them, than it is to find common thought patterns.
Practice finding common ground in the senses, feelings and intentions and getting the other person you are interacting with to say yes three times at least.
After you do that it’s easier to get to common thought processes and agree or compromise.
In daily life, practice getting people to share their intentions. Practice acknowledging feelings. Practice clarifying what they saw or heard. Practice sharing your own feelings and intentions in natural conversation.
How we communicate is a habit. Develop habits of becoming aware of your HIP and expressing yourself wisely. Practice exploring other people’s HIP in a conversation. Develop habits of enquiry. Develop habits of getting people to say yes and agreeing. Develop these habits in your daily communication and you will find you process through difficult situations and conflict with much more ease. You’ll have confidence approaching difficult situations because you’ll have habits that bring people to resolution. You’ll have the habit of acknowledging and validating other people.
Shine the light on other people!
When we are communicating, we are attempting to engage and influence other people. In effect we are selling an idea or concept. We are looking for agreement. Engaging others and influencing them happens easiest when we shine the light on them. Brian Tracy, an expert sales trainer, author and speaker, says when we shine the light on the prospect more than on the product or ourselves, we sell more.
The best sales people are actually the best questioners and listeners, not the best talkers. Ask people questions about them and how they think and feel and what they want. Practice shining the light on other people. Develop these healthy communication habits and you will find it easy to go to the next level of success in almost any part of your life.
The basic human needs and intention list below can help you find common ground with almost anyone.
