Eight words and phrases to avoid for healthy communications habits

8 words and phrases to avoid for healthy communications habits.

Do you struggle with what words to choose in a difficult situation?

Have you noticed some people turn off after you say something?

Could you be gentler when you’re being direct?

When you’re coaching someone to correct a behavior or mistake, do they get defensive?

You’re probably using defensive provoking words.

The 8 words and phrases to avoid I share here help you be a more gentle and engaging communicator.

Using soft words keeps people open instead of defensive.

They help you be a better leader and coach.

1.       Always — replace with usually or often or mostly.

This ones a little contradictory, but it’s very important. Avoid it most of the time.

In a workshop with equipment managers one person pointed out that you should always put diesel in a diesel engine. Using sometimes or most often doesn’t apply here. That's why I say avoid always most often. 

2.       Should — replace with could. Should is a guilt motivator. Could allows for humans to exercise their greatest gift. The power to choose. Again there are times where should is appropriate, but it’s rare. Coaches often use should and that’s okay at times. People are creatures of habit so if we have the habit of using could, we build a habit of engaging people with gentle persuasion. 

3.       Need to — replace with could or, ask if they think they need to. Asking questions provokes thought and keeps people engaged. Need to is opinionated and can make people defensive. Using could or asking what they think they need to do, allows for optional thinking which people like.

4.       Have to — replace with could or ask what they think they have to do. Same rules as ‘need to’.

5.       Never — replace with rarely. Opposite of always. When we use never and always we are often lying and it reduces credibility and trust or respect. If I say you never get to work on time and you actually are there on time once out of 5 times, I’m still lying. Often or rarely is more accurate and authentic.

6.       Everyone — replace with most, many or some. It’s rare that everyone falls into the same category. 7 billion humans, 7 billion different Human Interaction Processes (HIP’s) just like 7 billion different DNA’s. Allow people to be unique and authentic. What they are truly sensing, thinking, feeling and intending is true and valid for them. When i validate someone and honor their unique process, I build trust and respect and keep people engaged. 

7.       All — replace with most or many. Same rules as everyone.

8.       No one — replace with few, very few or some. Opposite of everyone and same rules.

Avoiding these 8 words and phrases habitually makes you more engaging. It allows for gentle coaching and suggestions for improvement.

When giving constructive criticism or helpful feedback, remember to sandwich your feedback with positives. 

Remember to ask questions and get people to think on their own for solutions. Ask about their HIP. What they saw or heard, how they felt about it, what their thought process was around it and what they want.