“You" statements and questions for effective communication.

Do you use ‘You’ statements?

Yes or yes.  I haven’t met anyone yet who doesn’t and I’ve been paying attention for over 30years, since I took my first leadership communications and conflict management course.

Has someone ever told you the right way to use ‘You’ statements?

My wife was recently told by a colleague that she could be better with her ‘You’ Statements, so we brainstormed and I thought I would share what we came up with.

She’s a great communicator in most ways. One of her best traits is that she’s willing to acknowledge when she’s made a mistake and she goes back to clarify and resolve when she makes a mistake. After thinking about it, she plans her 2nd conversation for resolve and it works 99% of the time. Going back to resolve something you’ve communicating incorrectly takes courage and resilience.

Good communication skills and habits help build resilience and courage. Do you want more resilience? Do you want more courage?

Give a good communications effort and you will build resilience and courage into your character.

I’m here to help you communicate so let’s get on with it. 

What’s the right way to use ‘You’ statements?

2 important things to do and two important don’ts.

Use ‘You’ statements in behavior or circumstance descritions.

Use ‘You’ statements in questions.

Don’t use ‘You’ with negative name-calling and with negative labels.

Don’t use ‘You’ with the words need to, have to, or should.

Here’s the options:

1.     Use ‘You’ statements in behavior or circumstance descritions. Combine with effective ‘I’ statements.  I saw you do… I heard you say… I was watching you and I saw and heard…

2.     Use ‘You’ in questions. After you’ve described behaviors and circumstances ask, “What do you think when I say what I just said?”

Go the extra mile after you’ve made these I and You statements and snap on, listen and validate what the person’s response is. Every response whether I agree with it, or judge it negatively, is valid. Period. Tap into our empathy. We all have it. A good communicator listens well, invokes their empathy and validates the other person by clarifying they’ve interpreted the other person correct. This process connects people.

The Don’ts:

1.       Don’t use ‘You’ with negative name-calling and with negative labels. It’s okay to use ‘You’ with positive labels and names.

Do you like when someone calls you an idiot? How does it make you feel?

Do you like when someone says you’re lazy or a shitty communicator? How does that make you feel? Do you feel like engaging further with the person? No.

When we negatively label and name call we put a wall up and that does not help with effective communications. We put people on the defensive and they shut off. We all do it though, especially when we’re emotionally charged in a negative way.

It’s important to acknowledge when we chosen bad way to communicate and apologize. When we say sorry we build character in ourselves, as long as we learn from the mistake and avoid it next time.

Most often when someone hears us own our mistake and sees us work to improve it, they gain respect for us. There’s a win, win situation that happens when we own our misgivings and say sorry. Don’t take the sorry too far. Drop it after you’ve apologized. Sometimes we can take it too far and it can reverse the respect built. Be careful. Use this 4 step ‘convert a mistake to benefit’ process:

1)     Acknowledge the mistake.

2)     Commit to being better.

3)     Say sorry.

4)     Move on.

Every time we go through this convert a mistake to benefit process we build resilience as well. Do you want more character and resilience? Follow the 4 step mistake into benefit process. It will make you a better leader and communicator and it will be easier for you to have a habit of regaining composure when adversity strikes.

2.       Don’t use ‘You’ with the words ‘need to’, ‘have to’, or ‘should’ most of the time. Use could or ask a question. 

When you someone says to you, after you’ve kind of screwed up on something,  “You need to … “You should… how does it make you feel? When it happens to me I feel discouraged and de-motivated. I might feel defensive and angry. “You don’t need to tell me. I know.”

People like to be forgiven. Do you? Do you even forgive yourself? It’s something we all could do more of. Do you hold on to things? Do you mentally reiterate your mistakes and beat yourself up at times? I have at times. It’s not healthy.

The best word you can use to replace need to, have to, or should is ‘could’. The word ‘Could’ allows others to think in options and exercise one of our greatest gifts. The power to choose. Think about it. If I say to you, you could have done it that way, or, you could do this or you could do that. Does that feel softer than, “You need to do this? You should do that. You have to…” Most people feel less defensive when they hear could.

Often when I use could I’ll state consequences to options. You could use could instead of should. When you do people will feel less defensive.

The other option for using need to, have to , or should is to put it in a question. Do you think you need to …? Do you think you have to…? Do you think you should…?

I have to admit there are times when it’s appropriate to use, ‘need to or have to’. For example, you need to put diesel fuel in a diesel engine. It’s better than saying; you could put diesel fuel in the diesel engine. When I use could here, it doesn’t emphasize the consequence. In this case, I would finish the statement ‘you need to’ by saying, if you don’t the engine will cease and you’ll have to buy a new one.

To recap, here’s today lesson:

·        Use ‘You’ statements in behavior or circumstance descritions.

·        Use ‘You’ statements in questions.

·        Don’t use ‘You’ with negative name-calling and with negative labels.

·        Don’t use ‘You’ with the words need to, have to, or should.

Enjoy your day. Thanks for committing to being a better communicator.