The Power of Intentions in Communicating. May 23 2018.
Help Me Communicate.
The Power of Intentions in Communicating.
What is the difference between underlying and overlying intentions? How do they affect communications?
Expressing intentions are a very key part of the communications process.
As humans when we communicate, we go through a 5 step Human Interaction Process.
- We sense something first. We hear or see something typically.
- A thought/perception is triggered. We think about what we saw and heard.
- The next thing that happens is we get a feeling or emotion about what we saw and heard.
- Then we derive an intention based on what we saw or heard, thought and felt.
- We choose to act in some way. The action can be silence, speaking words, reaching out and touching, etc.
We sense, think, feel, intend and act. This is our communication process as humans.
The intention and choice of action determines if communication stays on track or goes off. Expressing and understanding each person’s intention is an important key to conflict resolution.
There are two types of intentions.
- The overlying and reactive intention
- The underlying and real intention.
The overlying and reactive intention is often expressed in our actions first and what mostly causes conflict. Overlying intentions are reactive and can be negative in nature wishing harm on others. An example of an overlying reactive intention and an underlying real intention is this:
“You did this to me. I feel really angry or hurt and you are wrong. You’re going to pay” is our overlying and reactive intention. Our action becomes speaking mean words or doing something physical that hurts. What this really comes from though is a place of; ‘I want you to feel the same bad feeling as me or something more uncomfortable than I do. I don’t like how I feel because of what you did to me so you are going to pay.’
The underlying and real intention is ‘I don’t want you to do that to me or someone else again. I deserve and want to feel loved and respected. Underlying intentions are not ones we hide from another person. They are not deceptive in nature. Overlying intentions can be naturally deceptive.
Underlying intentions are based on our real bottom line needs. Needs to be accepted and loved. Needs to give and share love and other good things. They have ‘good for all’ roots. They are thought out and have a grounding effect when we acknowledge them.
Underlying intentions in people come from 1 of 2 places. 1) People have basic intentions to give love or express kindness (love on a smaller scope). 2) People have intentions, or want, to receive love and kindness. We want to be liked, which is a desire to be loved on a smaller scope. All our intentions and actions come from these 2 underlying intentions in people. All our actions come from a bottom line place of wanting to be liked and loved or from a place of wanting to give love or kindness.
The Buddha said. “All people are basically good.” He was referring to all people’s underlying intentions.
Every time I mediate and uncover underlying intentions, the good in both people is revealed.
The seasoned conflict resolver will avoid the reactive intention and action response. They will see the real and underlying intention of not wanting to be treated mean or bad. They will avoid doing something mean in response. They will identify their feelings and try to understand and reveal the other person’s feeling and underlying intention first. Then they will respond to that.
They will discuss their own Human Interaction Process and their underlying intentions. They will uncover the full story of the other person Human Interaction Process and their real underlying intentions. In that they will uncover common ground and resolution.
Practice looking for and finding underlying good intentions in people and you will find that you attract much less conflict in your life. Practice looking for the good in people in all situations and you will find you live in much more peace of mind.
Practice, practice, practice. As you practice looking for underlying good intentions, you will build the habit of doing it automatically and you will find you communicate better, attract nicer people, and live in more peace of mind in all relationship interactions.
