Self talk. When you’re in that difficult situation, your self talk prior to saying anything is crucial. What should it look like? May 30 2018.

Self talk. When you’re in that difficult situation, your self talk prior to saying anything is crucial. What should it look like?

What would it be like if you could calm yourself in any situation?

What would it be like if you could respond to difficult situations with a calm confident approach knowing exactly what to say?

Self talk governs our emotional state and our emotional state is critical when the stakes are high and emotions run deep in crucial conversations or difficult circumstances.

When our emotions are spiked we say and do things we normally wouldn’t. Controlling spiked emotions happens with self talk. Our controlled thoughts can govern and control our emotions and feelings.

What would it be like if you could calm yourself in any situation?

What would it be like if you could respond to difficult situations with a calm confident approach?

Self talk governs how you decide to speak, what words you choose, how your emotions and feelings get projected.

Here’s the guidelines for self talk in effective communications. 

1. Stop, pause. Get self aware. Ask yourself questions before responding. What Did I just witness - hear and see? What are my thoughts about that? How do I feel? What do I want — what is my intention? What am I going to say? What is my body language right now? 

2. If your emotions are spiked, take a break to get them calmed down. Often just acknowledging them works to ground them out and we can move to a controlled feeling state from a spiked emotional state.

Often stating my frustration in a controlled manner, grounds it out. If I state it from a controlled feeling state, using controlled voice tones and body language, it goes smoother.

If I state frustration in uncontrolled anger, it raises the intensity in both people and makes the situation worse. 

Know what works to calm you down and use that method?

What words have you used in the past that calm you?

What is your process?

How do you get control of your voice tones and body language?

Practice, practice, practice.

My self talk in crucial or difficult situations is:

• I don’t have control over the other person and I don’t know their whole story.
• I only have control over myself. I can calm myself. I know I can. I’ve done it before. I start by asking questions. What do I want? What’s the best situation for me and both people? When have I felt this in the past? What helped me calm down? What’ the best way for me to approach this to get what I want?
• The other person has thoughts, emotions and intentions that are valid for them. I need to find out what they are and validate them so they get on my side and feel accepted and understood. Then I can tell them about me.
• In situations where the other person is serving me, I tell myself, the other person has a job to do, guidelines to follow and their own agenda. Often they are following policy or instruction from their boss. It’s important for me to find out their agenda and acknowledge their situation and govern myself to them. I ask what they can do based on the situation at hand within their powers. I find out if I need to talk to their superior.

Do you put yourself down?

Do you give up and accept negative emotional states?

Do you say to yourself, I’m angry and that’s just the way it is?

Do you say to yourself, I can’t control my anger and frustration? 

Do you say, I can’t do this, or I don’t need this?

Change that negative self talk about not being able to control yourself. We can all control our thoughts and therefore our emotions and feelings.  When your feeling and thinking negative and running that negative self talk, change it to "I can calm myself. I can get through this. I can make this go the way I want."

3. Invoke curiosity in yourself. What is the other person witnessing — hearing and seeing? Seek 1^st to understand then to be understood. Decide to ask and confirm what they just witnessed—what they heard and saw, what their thoughts are around that, how they feel and what they want. 

Most of the time, it’s better to ask questions before sharing.  Do it and you will notice a big difference in your ability to control difficult situations. Practice, practice, practice.